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Matt Hiltner: Open Letter To Spammers

This is one masterpiece of English and high quality opinion about spammers. I saved it to prevent from being lost, see google for the orignal...

Seems origins are deeper:

  ...are partly taken from an oft-bitten flame written originally by Netrek Berkeley Golden Bear
  and master scoutbomber Felix Gallo aka sunscreamer. It was posted on November 8, 1996 to
  rec.games.netrek, widely known as the hottest gas-fire on Usenet. The original, masterful
  flame may be found here:
  http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=55tsud%245jp%40matrix.eden.com&rnum=1 This flame was
  reposted two days later to alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Tom Youderian (also a Netrek
  hall-of-famer), and was used at the end of 1996 as a catch-all spammer flame, much like the
  version you read in the petemoss.com link above, by someone named Guy Macon in the first
  instance of the plagiarizing of "the perfect flame".
  A cursory Google search on "You puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper" reveals
  nearly 2,000 unauthorized uses of the above mentioned flame. Credit where credit is due...
  Rob Chauncey
  Netrek SC bomber formerly known as Noogin
  Retired (like his hero, sunscreamer, because of RSDs in the wrist)

However, Guy Macon (or someone claiming to be him, and not answering my email since then :-)) wrote in an email on December 6, 2006:
The above webpage contains a false accusation of plagiarizing. At the time I reprioduced the material, my web site clearly stated that the work was not mine and that I was unable to determine the author. Once I found out who the author was, I requested poermission and, recieving no response, removed the quouted material.

From: "Matt Hiltner" <olive*geminione.com>
To: "'Neil Schwartzman'" <neil*petemoss.com> 
Subject: Open letter to spammers 
Date: Fri, 4 Jan 2002 00:57:00 -0600
Mr. Spammer, you swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of
filth. As they say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot
with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away.
I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion,
a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly
with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world.
An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the
puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as
you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of
you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile,
worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this
earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will
still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its
beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your
ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own
trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you
hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more
weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no
rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a
leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and
senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are
dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all
unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You
grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish
foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated
tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing
gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted
clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how
incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard
stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a
whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid.
Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have
collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity
stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in
one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your
writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this
stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang
of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else
as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.
This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you my not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant
questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the
rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life,
after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people
take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we
sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find
these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I
would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of
like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the
emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on


You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic,
insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous,
byzantine,conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim,
crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

In other words, go away.

©Copyright 1998-2015 Peter Gervai, email is grin username at the domain grin under the hungarian top level domain. :)